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I never thought I would have this much hate for somebody I used to love so much. But they say God shows you things when you ready for them, so here’s my blessing, I’m guessing. Never in my life have I felt so low & disrespected by somebody who once made me feel so loved & protected. This love shit is a waste of my time. You make mistakes, pay for them, then still get treated as though you’re in the wrong. I just dont understand why I can’t ever get somebody to be on my side, to be down for me thru the bullshit. In a relationship where you’ve been thru so much with somebody, I just feel like…let me keep it real.
FUCK HER. I’m good off that girl. How dare you ever in yo life insult me by thinking I don’t have no respect for myself. I’m a crazy mothafucca, but never in my life would I stoop down to the level of these insecure females. How the fucc you claim you in love with me & you ready to leave cause of some shit you HEARD!? I feel like I wasted my time trynna be better for YOU! Shieeeeeet, God came thru for me cause MAN I woulda been hot if I really let myself be w. You. All the times I told myself, “Nah, Lexx y’all will get it together you & Des gon be that power couple & it’ll be y’all against the world, you just need time” FUCC THAT ! I shoulda been takin the time to get over you & moving on w. My life instead of going in fuccin circles w. Yo dumb ass. I know I ain’t perfect, but THIS?! I never thought I would lose you to something like this. But you know what, YOUR LOSS. I’m a good ass woman, I make mistakes, I fucc up, ive lied, but this time I was really ready to have something real…smh. Too little too late right? Lol, this my karma for all the fucced up shit I’ve ever done in my life. I see you Karma. But shit, I shed my tears, & now I’m over it.
When i find somebody to love me & make me happy & really be down for me, & I give them best of me & all of me, I hope you slap yourself cause it could have been you
*wipes hands* I’m good, on w. My life ! 040212k !
Aderol & hennessy I hope it’s a deadly mixture
Imma forget you now while I can so I can never say I missed ya
Never love someone who doesn’t believe your tears
I ask myself how I could have trusted someone who fed right into my fears
Trust issues? Yeah I got em
Loving you was like nightmares from the bottom
I wish I didn’t fuccin love you, this shit rippin me apart
Metal to my head, pull the trigger
Blow my brains across the wall & hope you get the picture
Mistakes are eating me alive
But watch me still survive
1:19am & there are tears running down my face. Wondering if you’re thinking about me the way I’m thinking about you. I wish you could feel all the emotions i carry for you. & I wish I could erase all this doubt I’m carrying. Something just doesn’t feel right, it feels I feel like I’m going crazy. Some days I’m okay, then there are days when all I do is cry.
Like now, I’m crying because I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss the way I used to close my eyes & envision the future. Now all I see is the past. Its like I deal w. Heartbreak in sections. I deal w. A part of it, then I’m coo for a minute. Then something else hits me & I’m like fuuuuuuuucc, now I’m crying again. I don’t speak because I’m always complaining about the same thing, what’s done is done & I just have to deal w. It the best way I know how.
Ugh. It’s like this. The way I feel about you is overpowering. After all, you’ve done, after all the horrible mean & insensitive things you’ve said to me, I STILL want to give my heart to you. Im still desperately searching for a way to get past the past & give myself to you. But it’s like I’m giving my heart & my brain throws it bacc. I’m stucc between what I love & what I know.
I love you & ALL that you are. I love you for your flaws , your faults & thru every mistake. I see thru your imperfection & see it as another reason to love you that much harder. But I know there are something’s you just cannot give to me. I don’t feel like you could ever truly dedicate yourself to me the way I need you to. & not out of lacc of trying, but just because it’s not in you as a person. I’m trying my best to accept that. I’m doing my best to understand you, as I would want you to understnd me. I’m trying to see things your way for once.
& at the end of the day, it all comes down to this; you’re just as scared as I am.
Pain. That comes w. That gLorious L word we all so desperately want. But I’ve been thru enough pain to last me a lifetime, why do I need it from the person that’s supposed to protect me; guess my heart & renew it? I’m letting go of a lot of things day by day, but this pain… Its sticking w. Me. I want, so badly, to be able to look in those eyes & say “I forgive you” & mean it. No, ive forgiven you. I have. It deeper than that, though. I resent you. I resent you for begging for my trust, pleading for my vulnerability just to break me right back down. I never, in my life would have been the one to take away the one thing you asked me for, & that’s security.
Love. It’s what’s keeping me. The pain plays a factor, but love truly overcomes it all. You still make it hard to breathe. I still find myself listening to songs & smiling because you cross my mind. The fear of losing you is real. You’ve become the very best part of me. That one person that takes my flaws & finds a way to still see the beauty in me. I wonder if you could ever truly understand the depth & entirety of the love I have for you. If I could honestly wish for anything in this world, it would be for you to remain mine. I believe in my heart that you are the missing piece to me & because of that reason alone, I still can’t let go. I feel as though thru the battles & hardships, we’re slowly making our way back to one another.
Fear. Its what’s stopping me. I’m afraid to re-open the door you decided to shut on me. I’m scared that I’ll reattach myself so false hope & empty promises. I’m afraid that you’ll find someone better & use my weakness against me. I’m afraid to be vulnerable & loyal because I feel like there’s always someone else holding your attention. How can I give myself to someone when there’s no consistency in their words & actions? It’s hard, yet somehow I’m learning to do it & I don’t feel like I get the credit for doing so. I know I’m insecure & I gave my days, but ive been thru a lot. I’ve experienced a lot of hurt & pain in my lifetime & I refuse to willingly submit myself to any more .
Loyalty. It means everything to me. Without loyalty, nothing matters.